Connect Before You Ask

        

By Terry Whalin @terrywhalin

Part of my commitment in these articles is to write about my journey as a writer and editor. Today I want to tell you about a recent experience with another writer. I’ve changed the details and not used the person’s name because I don’t want to embarrass or call out anyone in the community. I believe my experience can become a “teaching moment.”

In these articles I’ve often encouraged you to ask for help or what you need. You and I belong to a generous community and if you ask in the right way (a big caveat), then you can get what you ask. But there is an earlier action I encourage you to take before you ask, build a relationship.

For years I’ve traveled the country and spoken at writer’s conferences. At this conference, I gave a keynote message and one of my points was encouraging authors to ask me for help and assistance. If someone reaches out to me with a question, it gives me an opportunity to help them but also they can learn more about the world of publishing which is constantly in motion.

During a conference, I meet with a number of people, give them my contact information and my advice. One of these writers who I had met once at an event, reached out to me. He is publishing a new book and asked me to endorse his book. As he suggested, I would only have to read 50% of it then write my endorsement. In the same email he recalled our conversation where I mentioned knowing a bestselling author. In the same email, he asked if I could introduce him to this person.

I respect the courage it took for this writer to reach out to me and ask for what he needed. Here’s the issue from my perspective: his ask had little to no conscious about my own packed schedule and at the moment I have no availability to read 50% his book and write an endorsement. Also I could not introduce him to the bestselling author because I don’t have this author’s email. I responded graciously and declined both asks. Many people would have simply not responded or ghosted this writer but this writer received my response.

Before you ask, there are several aspects that I want to point out:

1. Before you ask, build a connection / relationship. There are multiple ways to get my attention (or anyone else you meet at a conference such as an editor or literary agent) and build a relationship (other than our single meeting at a conference). Here’s some ideas: Review one of their books and send a short email letting them know you have done these reviews. Repost something the person has posted on social media or a blog. Comment on their blog posts or any number of proactive actions where you are visible to this person you are building a relationship. After you build this connection and relationship, then you can ask.

2. Make it easy for them to say yes and ask in the right way. Don’t assume they will read your book. People who endorse books often do not read anything inside the book. This insider information is something I’ve learned from years of working with authors and on endorsements. I encourage you to send a cover with your request and tell them who is publishing the book (a detail this author neglected to tell me). The transparency with this detail is important to include even if you are going to self-publish. Also offer the endorser that if they need your help, you will send a draft or sample endorsement. Dol you see how this offer has cut down the time and energy that other person will have to put out for your endorsement yet you will be more likely to get it?

3. Make only one request in one brief email. You may have a second or third need but don’t load your email with another ask.

I want to help others but this young writer didn’t understand (or likely even consider my intense schedule and the many other things in my life that consume my day. I applaud the courage it took for him to send his request but the shape of the message was an overask and without any work on his part to build a relationship gave me little reason to agree to it. If you don’t take these factors into consideration, then you are basically “begging” to get a “no thank you,” negative response or no response.

The basic principle I’m encouraging with this article is to take visible steps with another person and build your relationship before you ask for their help. 

The writing community is willing to help you if you have become active in it and built the good will and relationships to ask for their help. There are many simple ways you can build these relationships such as active participation in a group where this person also belongs. For the writer that started this post with his overask, it had been at least eight months since we met and during that period, I had not seen his name any place. See why this person asked for something way beyond what I could do or expected from this person? Foundational in this process is the relationship. Build it, connect and reconnect, then ask.

What am I missing in this process from your view? Let me know in the comments below.

Some of My Writing In Other Places

Why I Give Away Books–And You Should Too When you first look at it, it seems counter-productive to give away books that you are selling. If you publish books it is something you should do and I explain the details in this article.

It may not seem like it to a new writer but on Writers on the MoveI explain that beginning writers do get published--especially when you get rejection after rejection as an author. Often new authors will tell me they are writing the next Harry Potter--yet have no idea of the initial struggles that it took for J.K. Rowling to get published. I give the details in this article. 

Once a month I write about book proposals on Almost An Author. In this article I explain Why to Never Submit Your First Draft.

I’ve been using PodMatch.com to book podcast interviews and several of them launched last week and here are those links so you can watch them.

For the second time, Tom Dutta invited me to The Quiet Warrior Show. Our last recording several years ago was only audio but this one included the visual recording and was promoted in many different venues.

Also Coach Jay interviewed me on A New Direction Podcast. We spoke about Publishing Myths. I encourage you to watch this broadcast. 

Also John Brink interviewed me on his On the Brink podcast. John has a remarkable personal story that we discuss during the interview. To promote this interview, the On the Brink team sent several short videos and I’m including one here. 

I show you this information to encourage you to use PodMatch and get booked on a podcast to tell more people about you, your website or your latest book.

In the Spring of 2025, I’m speaking at a couple of conferences. Follow this link to learn more details and hope to see you at one of these events. 

Tweetable:

While it takes courage to ask someone for their help, this prolific author and editor encourages you to build a relationship and connection before you ask. Get the detailed insights in this article.  (ClickToTweet)

Much of the publishing process is outside of the writer’s control. 10 Publishing Myths helps writers have a realistic perspective and take action. Get 10 Publishing Myths for only $10 +FREE shipping + over $200 of free bonuses.